Clint & Tony Tell the Truth
by KaliTracer
Summary: How difficult could it be to have two Avengers sit down and get interviewed for the five-year anniversary of the Battle at Midtown? Turns out, as Coulson finds, that it's really fucking difficult. He is so not paid enough to clean up this kind of mess.


_A/Ns: Needed something to publish because these last few weeks have been crazy. Unbeta'd. currently._

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Coulson should have known it was going to be a bad interview when Barton and Stark arrived all ready bickering. He takes one look at them arguing back and forth one talking over the other and prays for strength...and aspirin.

"I don't care that there wasn't a warning label, Tony, why would that even matter? You don't set fire to-"

"I didn't set fire to anything. I simply wanted to try measuring the output of Thor's hammer. It was simple science-" Tony deposits his coat on an assistant.

"Simple science that burnt down half the house! You should have consulted Bruce on the matter before doing anything!" Clint shrugs out of his leather jacket. There are stress lines on his face, and Coulson wonders how long this argument had been brewing.

"It was _not_ half the house!" Tony argues back. He slumps in a chair while Pepper comes in behind them and heads directly for Coulson.

"It was most of the house, including the gym and range which take up twenty percent of the-"

"Oh so it's your precious range you're worried about is it?" Tony demands. "I should have figured it was the range that was getting me all this grief." He cracks open a bottle of water and swallows some down.

"I don't give a shit about the range, Tony. I care about the fact that Thor had to blast a hole in the roof-"

"Oh it's the roof then is it?!" Tony sneers, leaning forward in his chair to look at the archer.

"I swear to God, you are the dumbest person I know!" Clint says, going over to a chair so the make-up artist can start working.

"That's real mature, Clint. We're going to resort to name calling?" Tony looks victorious when Clint growls under his breath.

"Agent Barton, Stark, you're going to be on in five minutes," Coulson interrupts. "I need to go over some ground rules for the interview."

"You can try, but _apparently_ if things aren't on giant warning labels, dumb-ass here will think you can set fire to it!" Clint says, nearly getting smacked in the face by a brush. The make up artist moves back just in time. Another one moves around Tony.

"I didn't set _fire_ to anything!" Tony yells back. He settles back in his chair, and smiles up at lady holding the concealer.

"You see," he says, putting on the charm, "it was a small electrical overload. Some times when too much electricity gets built up in a circuit it can cause-"

"Stark! Pay attention," Coulson snaps. He notes the way Barton has gotten quiet and glowers at the other make-up artist and Tony.

"Yes, dear," Tony says sarcastically.

"Now, we're trying to avoid any incidents on national news. It's the five-year anniversary and live-broadcast, you'll need to stick to the main points. The interviewer is new so try to not embarrass her on national television."

"Well, hopefully, she won't accidentally break Clint's chair. He won't speak to her ever again," Tony says, glancing over at the other man.

"Stark," Pepper warns.

"Whatever," Tony says, taking another swig of water.

Rubbing his forehead, Coulson sighs.

"Try to not stray off point. Don't say anything classified, and above all: _don't lie_. You've ruined six past interviews and I'd really appreciate if you two could manage this one without causing international chaos, destroying a journalist's career or sparking war."

"You hear that Tony, lying won't be allowed. I guess you'll have to be quiet for the whole thing," Clint says, standing. He twists off a ring and puts it in his pocket.

"Gentlemen, we're ready for you on set," a stage hand comes up and states, cutting off Tony's remark.

They make their way over to the set, neither speaking as they stew in their thoughts. They sit down in their designated spots as Coulson and Pepper take up around a viewing television.

"Maybe this will work out okay, normally they are in agreement when they cause absolute chaos," Coulson says, as Pepper motions to Tony and points to her hand. He nods and quickly tucks a metal band into his pant's pocket.

"We'll be lucky if they don't kill each other," she says.

"As long as it's after the interview," Coulson says.

"Bet they end up punching each other before the camera cuts," Pepper says, a smirk on her face.

"Loser buys lunch?" Coulson asks, smiling. The arguing pair are silent as stage hands suit them up with mics on their clothes.

"You've got a deal," she says and they shake hands while the interviewer gets in her place and the set grows quiet.

"Welcome Channel 8 viewers. My name is Cheri Hastings and today on the five-year anniversary of the Battle at Midtown, I'm sitting down with billionaire Tony Stark, the man inside the legendary Iron Man suit. Along side him is Clint Barton, Hawkeye, the World's Greatest Marksman," she says, into the camera.

"World's most nagging marksman," Tony mutters, the mic picking it up. Cheri pauses and glances to him.

Pepper smiles broadly, and leans over to Phil's ear. "I want lunch at Alfredo's," she whispers.

Coulson really hates his job some days.

"Gentlemen, you were both in that battle five years ago, can you tell what it is like now when the Avengers are deployed nearly four or five times a month to handle global crises," she says, smiling and shifting in her seat.

"Well, Cheri," Tony starts in right off the bat, ignoring Clint glaring at him. "The Avengers are dedicated to continued global safety and that commitment was formed as a group during that battle."

"If only you'd commit to your own safety," Clint mumbles, folding his arms across his chest.

"I'm sorry, Clint, do you have something to add to that?" Cheri asks, leaning forward a bit.

Shaking his head, he waves her off. Frowning when he glances over at Tony, who shares it for a split second.

"Right, so the battle brought you all together as a cohesive whole, but you all have previous experience-"

"I'm sorry, can you just hold on, just one-second," Tony interrupts, smiling at Cheri before turning to look at Clint. "you really think you have room to talk about taking safety seriously? I nearly had to scrape you off the sidewalk last week!"

"That was to save Cap's _life_, not because I got bored of the projects I was working on," Clint says, turning in his seat to face Tony.

"I didn't get bored," Tony pauses when Clint gives him a look. "Okay, so what? I _wasn't_ doing it for boredom relief. It's their anniversary next month and I was trying to harness a piece of the lighting for Thor to give him."

"You still let Thor shoot lightening in the house!" Clint exclaims, "I came home, for the second time I might add, to find half the house sinking into Pacific Ocean!"

"It was an accident, Clint! I apologized all ready, I don't know why you are so upset about that stupid range and bird's nest! You know I'll build you new ones," Tony says, eyes going soft with worry.

"It wasn't the damn range, you _moron_. Did you think for one-second that-'Hey! If Clint comes home to find the house in the same state at when Mandarin nearly flipping killed me, it may cause him to _be worried_?!"

Tony pauses, his mouth opening and closing before he leans back in his seat.

Cheri clears her throat and gives them each a smile. "I'm sorry, gentlemen, this really seems like a marital argument. How long have you two been together?" she asks, trying to lighten the mood.

"Four years..." Clint answers.

"...Two months and about what? Eight days?" Tony looks to the archer, who nods and sighs.

Gaping, Cheri blinks. In the distance, Coulson slaps a hand over his face.

Beside him, Pepper mutters, "_you_ told them not to lie."

"Look, I'm sorry you were worried about me, okay? I promise the next time I let Thor shoot lightening in the house I will properly research it before I let him do anything, okay?" Tony keeps his eyes on Clint, reaching out to rub his lover's arm.

"I just want you to be safe somewhere. It's bad enough watching when you go into battle," Clint mutters, reaching to take Tony's hand.

"That's why I married you, so you'll always have my back," Tony says, smiling. They both lean towards each other and share a kiss.

"It's not just your back I have," Clint says, leering at his husband. Tony smirks and settles back in his chair.

"Now then, where were we? Should we start over? You'll probably have to delete some of that tape, and...why is everyone looking at us like that?" Tony and Clint glance back at Pepper and Coulson, both of whom are shaking their heads.

"Pepper?" Tony asks, frowning.

"Does it count if I punch them both?" Coulson idly asks his best friend. She sighs and rubs at her temples.

Some days there isn't enough aspirin in the world to save them from Tony Stark and Clint Barton.

"_WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S LIVE?" _


End file.
